It's been 3 months since my last post and im sure you thought Id given up on this thing :) We've really been on hold waiting for the closing on our house and there hasn't been much to report... Well so I thought. Gosh it's hard when you're in the waiting room. You're anxious, not sure how long you'll be there, and staring at the door waiting for an answer. I've come to realize how hard it is to accomplish anything else when you're in the 'waiting room'. Waiting has never been my strong point, in fact most of the time its my down fall. Its so easy to begin to question everything when you are in waiting. We never imagined it would take nearly 5 months to close on our house. It has stressed us, stretched us, and strengthened us and all of those come with so many emotions. Im so thankful God's hand has been in every part of this. I think I would've given up by now. I think Im just starting to feel that fatigue that conveniently sets in just as the finish line is in sight! Sometimes Every time God calls you to something you will more than likely find resistance. (the enemy specializes in this) You will find yourself questioning if you even heard Him right. Selling our house was one of the hardest things I've done so far. So personal, and so painful. But why? It's just a house. I realized how much that house had represented "the promised land" to me. We've made it through so much in our 10 years of marriage, hanging on to every shred of hope that God would bring our dreams to pass. God had fulfilled the dream to own our first home and had brought us to it and we couldn't have been more thankful for that. Walking away from it was one of the hardest things Ive ever had to do. I believed ,when I accepted this direction, that I had the faith to carry me through the emotions. As it turns out I'm delusional lol! Maybe part of God drawing us to this new life is to increase my faith? I can't help but recall a Joyce Meyer lesson on when God is bringing you to/through something it's like being in labor. The idea to get out of debt and change our lives was exciting, much like deciding to have another baby. The preparation begins and things sail smoothly for a while. But when that blessing begins to come forth the struggle begins. Transition is the most difficult part of labor. It's when you push away the ones you love and blame them for your suffering. When you scream out, "take this from me, I don't want it!" And many other horrible things I pray The Lord overlooks in those moments (lol) You truly almost give up just as that new life slips from your body and into your arms. Just like that, you are basking in the presence of your blessing. But why is it so hard to forget this when you're going through it? Am I really losing it only 5 months in? After dumping my feelings on my sister in law and getting a stern reminder of what I'm truly lacking right now (some Jesus!) I turned on some Rita Springer and slipped out to the front porch. As she sang,
"I have to believe that He sees my darkness,
I have to believe He knows my pain.
I have to lift up my hands to worship,
Worship His name"
I collapsed on the steps and finally was able to sob before my savior. This was the first time I had let myself really cry over this. His presence was absolute healing to my soul and rejuvenation to my body. How could I have forgotten that He was here all along, waiting for me to just rest in Him. I realized that I have taken my eyes off Him and have been relying on myself for reassurance.
The unknown is so hard and letting go is so scary. I'm so grateful for a Father that goes before me but I need to realize that He's not leading me through an open field but through the chaos of this life and if I take my eyes off Him for a second I can get lost in the craziness that surrounds me.
